Ask Liz: Must Siblings Be Rivals?

Dear Liz,

I have 2 daughters, 7 & 9. They are not kind to each other and it breaks my heart.

As is probably often the case in these situations, the younger one brazenly provokes the older one. Obviously, no good comes of that situation, but I rationalize it as some sort of testing that little folks just have to do—kind of a Napolean complex for those who make the General seem tall.

What's harder for me is  bearing witness to the contempt that the older one has for her sister. It chills me. I worry that she has no compassion, that she is fundamentally ungenerous.

I love both my daughters so much; they are smart as anything, quirky, beautiful. But spending a weekend with the 2 of them in the same place, if they are in the kind of mood they were in this weekend...well, it makes me want to ask for help! I mean advice. For them and me!

Mama at Wits' End

Oh Mama,

You are bringing back all sorts of horrible memories, like standing in an airport after a particularly awful week of bickering, sobbing "Stop! Stop! I'm begging you to stop!" And I'm totally with you about feeling so much worse about the older one's behavior, because, let's admit it, the younger child is younger, and more vulnerable and when the older one picks on her or him, well, it all smacks a little bit of bullying, no? I know my sweet younger son drove my older son crazy, but c'mon! It's one thing to provoke and taunt and another to be mean. And we both know that that younger kid just wants more than anything in the world to be around the older one; to be her buddy; to be liked.

But today: Wow. My two boys, I think, are actually friends! Even though they are so different from each other, they hang out (WITHOUT my asking them to), have dinner together, call each other. All those great things that you dream about their doing when they're little. So, here's the first bit of good news: in 17 years, they'll be great friends!

Okay. I admit. "Wait 17 years" is not good advice. Here's some real advice:

1. Stay out of it. Unless they're physically hurting each other, they have to learn to work it out. When the younger one cries, give her advice about how to talk to her sister, but make her do the talking.

2. Don't treat them equally. They're different. I have always thought that a lot of sibling rivalry springs from feeling unfairly treated, and a lot of unfair treatment springs, ironically, from parents trying to be equal. The older one can do things or get things the younger one can't and vice versa.

3. Institute house rules that may allay some of the really petty bickering. We had an "even day" "odd day" rule (the older was even, the younger was odd) that worked for a whole series of of chores/privileges: On even days, the older one got first choice, front seat, had to take the garbage out, could pick the movie, whatever; and on odd days, it was the younger one's choice or chore.

4. Finally: cut your older daughter some slack. I'm pretty sure she's really not ungenerous and has loads of compassion. But she also legitimately can't stand her sister! It's okay. Better sometimes to say "boy, you seem really annoyed," or "ack! you must really hate to play with your sister!" instead of "be nice!" Because it is okay for her to feel that way, even if it pains you.

Don't know how much this will help, but good luck. Someday (and you probably won't really have to wait 17 years) they will be so grateful to have each other. Just not today.

Comments

[kk]

Wow, the "even/odd" day thing is brilliant. I think it could even help this mama manage her own time, chores, etc. more wisely. (Yes, I inexplicably lapsed into 3rd person.)

What you say about siblings appreciating one another as adults also rings true--my sister and I are close now. I can't imagine life without her, in fact.

But. It TRULY pains me now to think of the kind of big sister I was. How I wish I could go back in time and, this time, be more generous, more thoughtful, less judgmental...

I would hate for the older kid in the advice scenario to harbor those same regrets decades later. Hopefully, working out a more caring relationship now--possibly via even/odd rules--would prevent that.

[Ami]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one. My kids are 7 (boy) and 10 (girl). I doubt they'll ever be friends but maybe they'll be nicer to each other someday.